Gavin Newsom Bans the Sale of Pitchforks and Torches in California

Citing the current COVID-19 state of emergency declaration in California, Governor Gavin Newsom has banned the sale of pitchforks and torches in the State. He’s also considering banning tar and feathers.

“No one uses pitchforks any more because there are machines that can move hay around, or whatever you do with a pitchfork”, said Newsom during a press conference announcing the emergency order.

“And torches, those are so old fashioned.”, Newsom continued. “Most people have a flashlight on their cell phone, for goodness sake.”.

Newsom will probably use the same logic for the tar and feather ban. “Banning tar is tricky, because it’s still used on our marvelous roads here in California. And feathers are useful for pillows and are part of the boas the strippers use. They are still essential workers”, said Newsom.

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